MASTER DETECTIVE: "HE SHOT MY DAD...THEN ME!"

"...and then he shot our cuisinart, Grandma's sewing basket and a box of Pop Tarts, too!"

TRUE DETECTIVE: WHY WAS DANIEL CUT UP INTO 6 PIECES?

So that he could fit better into the Ziploc bags?

MASTER DETECTIVE: DEEP-SIXED MOM IN THE DEEP FREEZE!

The laws of our land say that you can't keep a body in your freezer this way. I will say, though, that it appears she kept quite well.

DETECTIVE DRAGNET: HE TORTURED HER FROM DAWN TO DUSK!

...probably because she kept making him watch "Oprah".

OFFICIAL DETECTIVE: THE KILLERS WENT BERSERK IN A DRUG-CRAZED FRENZY!

The killers went "berserk", did they? When's the last time you heard about killers becoming gregarious during drug-crazed frenzies?